Hmmm... It has been a long while since I last wrote on this blog. And a good deal has happened. I've graduated, I have my bachelors, I have a great deal of job interviews but no jobs yet. I think I've become kinkier and more insatiable. I'm living with my father and my best friend. It's why I found my way back to this blog. I'm sure plenty of TTWD writing will occur but also plenty of venting.

Living with the man who made your life a living hell growing up is taxing even if he has kept his hands off you. What happens is all the demons you've dealt with try to wiggle their way back into your mind sending you backwards. For instance, I've never been a big fan of being touched, no hugs, no pats on the shoulder and god help you if you touched my back. But over four years with huggy feely friends and J I got over it. Well we were at my brother's in laws on father's day. My brother, his father in law and my father all walked behind where I was sitting and all felt the need to touch my back in someway. I literally started to shake. The other night E told me she needed a hug. It took everything I had to giver her one.

That's one example anyway. My father doesn't exactly understand personal limits or boundaries either. I am so sick of the lies. If I hear one more "I think we did an excellent job raising you" one more time I might explode. No, you royally fucked me up but my grammother balanced your crazy and then I met J who has helped me so much for the last 4 years fix alot of your crazy, as well as some of the people I met in school.

Also on the list of one more time and I will explode "Why are you moving there?" I am moving a state away. Two reasons, I want to know if J and I stand a fighting chance. Only way to know is if we are closer. I am hopelessly in love with him, but also hopelessly not happy. I can't do not seeing him at least once a week. It is my hope if I live closer to him then we will see each other every week, and he will eventually tell his daughter. If not, then maybe we were just meant to be friends. But I am doing my part by moving up there. The other reason is to get away from them, especially him. But I can't give either of these reasons Last time I was asked, last night after coming back from an interview, my response was "Because I fucking want to, fucking deal with it." I almost got popped in the mouth for it, but E had come around the corner. He may not be doing anything but being with him so often is making me relive it over and over again.

I thought I had a good grasp on my fear of thunder. Well I was at a play party the other day and when I got there is was thundering and lightening. Meaning I needed to get out of my car and walk up the long drive way in the thunder. They live in a very secluded area, I was outside and It felt very real, like when I use to be left out there. By the time I got to the house I was shaking. My friend L took care of me until I'd calmed down, though poor dude was very confused for a while.

I am not sure how I am making even one more night here. And it feels so hopeless about getting out of here. Hopeless to the point I was thinking about how I could get out of here "easily." That thought scared me a bit to much. I haven't been to the place of such desperation suicide crossed my mind in a very long time.

I hope a job comes along, or an opportunity that will take me from this house for a little while at the very least comes along soon.

I'm grasping tightly to any hope I have left. Here's to holding on one more day.

The night before I left for NCUR, I completely lost my temper. But instead of taking it out on the person I was angry with or my housemates as per usual, I went up stairs to my room and let out the anger. The result was a hole in my wall. Of course we had health and safetys while I was away, they fixed it and I  Got called into the RD's off to "discuss it." The result? The choice between GP1 or seeing counseling services for "anger management." I either get to go by Friday or get put on "probation." Granted she only through the probation thing when I was like "are you serious?"

My thinking it is like this. I have my dad's temper, i do a solid job keeping it in. Occasionally, it boils up and I feel like I am going to explode. In the past, my best friend/housemate always becomes my target. So when I was to the tears, shaking, wanting to hurt something/someone/myself level of angry, I left the situation that had tipped the scales, went to my house and let it out. To me, I have anger management down and its not like GP1 will matter in 1 month and 3 days anyway. 

Stupid RPS.

For the most part I do not believe in regrets. I believe everything happens for a reason and you can find a positive in everything. It makes you a bigger, better and stronger person. But I regret the day I decided to take out my inner frustrations on my body with a blade. The result is that I struggle with the desire most days and even worse on days when I am feeling the most insecure and vulnerable.

I hate feeling insecure. If my childhood could be different, I would want more than anything to have come out of it less insecure about my relationships with others and my own self-worth. I know for the most part I'm "a catch." I'm a great friend, when i am in a relationship with someone I love with everything I have and want nothing more for them to be happy. I take pleasure in surprising people just to see them smile. I'm pretty smart. I'm ok looking. I've gone to school.

 But self doubt creeps in. I lose sleep, work suffers, I second guess everything about every relationship I have and need constant reassurance. The only way I know how to deal is to cut, and I am so determined not to. The last time I did was in September, you'd think I would be over it no?

I would do anything for a job interview. I've sent alot of applications out and I feel so insecure and it is making me feel so insecure about EVERYTHING. What if I don't get a job and am stuck near my parents working some minimum wage job? WHat if I really am meant to follow in my family's footsteps!!

I found a new artist "Allison's invention." Her song "Ran" is spurring me from the downward spiral of self destruction that I am very close to the brink of. Here are the lyrics, I like them alot.

Ran

"Hey Little Girl 

where do you think you're going

you've been trying to prove yourself

a long long time. 

Who are you now

with all those demons lurking

getting this far 

has been a long long climb

She ran to the corner

just to prove that she wasn't afraid

she crossed the street without looking

over the bridge that led to downtown

Took a breath of the city air

and she had herself a look around

and sometimes she started one way

and sometimes she started for another

But the thing she'd never understand

was why she was always running from mother

Hey little girl

I know those ghosts that ride you

they're bound to catch you baby

in the end

In all your dreams 

you suddenly grow wings

And at the last moment

you start to ascend

Questions remain that you may never answer

untold secrets taken to her grave

who do you fear most

is it her or you

twenty years later

you're still trying to be brave

I basically stopped blogging because J pointed out to me just how much I use it to communicate to him, and in many ways that is true. But not always. I don't always want him to know what's on my blog, there are times when I just need someone to listen to me and my blog seems like a great place. This is one of those posts, or that is how its starting.

When I was growing up I was taught to limit all emotions and I have spent four years having them. The problem is that at times they are so strong I don't know what to do with them. This could be common, not really sure, it is new for me. Current emotions running through  my body? Stress, anger, hurt, sadness, but also hope.

Stress because it was tech week for our production. I also didn't do any homework and have been half assing papers all week. (like really badly, there goes my A, procrastination)

Anger because someone leaked our script on a tumblr post taking the skit out of context. the truth of the matter is the skit, out of context, is offensive. With context it is clearly satirical, meant to shock to bring about greater issues. This person dragged our club's name threw the mud, then dragged the director and my name through the mud. Then add in a person who claims to be one of my best friends talking with the orginal person about us. Not to us. I made a mistake. Yes I used pronouns wrong, but as much as I try to be a trans ally, "they and them" for a singular person is really hard, especially when you rarely need to. But I said I was sorry, and it isn't like it was their pronouns I messed up. Now it is their turn. We can't change the script. it isn't racist, or cissexist, or transphobic. I've worked my ass off for this show, and kept my mouth shut. I've gotten no thank yous from the director and shit on form other people.

This is where the hurt comes in, the so called best friend, the director who is supposedly my other best friend. The sadness and hurt and hope intersect as well. I am  beyond hopeful J makes his way to the show tomorrow and stays over. But my friends remind me it isn't going to happen so they have less pieces to pick up tomorrow. I'm going to be sad. I try to understand why he can't come, but why "i'm visiting a friend" wouldn't work, I don't get. To be honest, I'm really hurt he won't be at graduation. I try to understand but I am 22. I believe we can change our fate and the world. I believe we should love who we love. I believe there is great truth to the saying "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" And the important people in our live, wouldn't mind. I do try to understand where he is coming from, I am his biggest advocate with my friends. But sometimes, somethings, I don't get. I think realizing he wont be there tomorrow, mixes with the days of stress and anger, and hurt from other people and causes me to realize just how much him not being at graduation is going to hurt me come that day. And yet I am hopeful. All day tomorrow I will hope that by 7 oclock when lights go down and our show starts that he'll be there. It is just how I am wired. (I feel I shouldn't include this in this post. I didn't write it to hurt him, or for him. I wrote it because I have so much crap I'm trying to deal with I just need to get it out.)

One skit in the show involves myself getting hit once with a flogger. For the first time the girl hit my back, a huge no. It takes alot to be touched on my back. In that one instance I was dragged through old memories. I've been feeling shakey since. Letting others continue to touch me in the show and else where is hard. I didn't think to tell her no, that's my fault. I mean I freak when J hits to high on my bum.

Maybe he and I should work on that and belts. This one is for him hehehe :-p

I need to get some sleep. here is to hoping all works out with the shows, and I am granted patience to not launch into verbal fisitcuffs with the mentioned individuals while in class. Also here's to remembering gg panties tomorrow so they stay up while changing back stage :)

Photography

I love photography. I am fascinated by photos, and lately its been the artistic photos on fetlife. I have a friend who specializes in some form of photography I thought started with a "b" but burlesque is stuck in my head, but I do not think that is correct. I know it is sexual and sensual classy photos involving different states of dress...and undress. And I love his photos. He's been begging me to model for him both for samples for his business, as practice, and apparently he thinks my eyes and smile are something that should be capture. gross I know.

And I have been putting alot of thought into it though I have currently said no. And his response was "don't say no, say you will think about it." So think about it i have. I am not even confident enough to let my man take photos without whining, and definitely not playing along or posing. When he says smile it barely happens, but man I wish I was more ok with it, but lately its been sounding wicked hot in my head.

I could be alot of fun to take photos for either of them. I am still thinking about it anway.


My school offers free HIV testing, and myself and my group of friends decided to get tested. We got our results to day, and one of my friends was positive. Which is rough but what is worse is she has had 2 sexual partners. Both claimed to be virgins, though she always thought the first was cheating on her. A professor at our school passed away today which was also terribly said. I got clearance to graduate, not so sad. And I am still PMSing and have been riding a rollercoaster of my emotions all day.

I am one midterm, 2 classes, 1 interview and 2 important meetings away from spring break. I am very excited!

I have been so unbelievably cranky these last few days. I just have two more days and I am on spring break. And hopefully I will be less stressed/busy and  I will no longer want to get into a fisticuffs with anyone who talks to me.

My professor suggested I leave class today after arguing with him for the third time, one of which I asked him if he even read the article we understood or if he just didn't understand it and the another involved me asking if he thought it was opposite. He got over it all, it seems as during a recognition dinner, he called me one of his best students.

I had issues finding something to wear to said dinner. Nothing looked good and I was set on not going. When I said this to J, his response was that I was going. I answered with "maybe" because my first response was go to hell, you don't have control over me. It's not like he was really doing anything that toppy or bad I am just so cranky.

I was sitting here think "seeing J in like two days, yay!!!" then two seconds later I am all "He's not spanking me, I am not crying, I am not being spanked" I know I need to snap out of this mood by Friday because he is not against spanking the crankiness out of me, and definitely not against spanking me for disobedience, and despite being logical enough to know this, I am still cranky as hell.

The above was just two examples, but there are SOOOOOO many more isn't almost shameful.

I will write about my adventures at J's this weekend! Happy Women's history month!

We'll See

We'll see. I hate that phrase. We'll see. And because I hate it, J uses it all the time. I hate it the first time he said it to me 4 years ago, and I hated it when he used it just last night. Now I know it sounds like a completely harmless phrase. But it's not. It is an evil phrase used by a Dom, to confuse a subbie into butterflies so she has no idea what she is in for, and is a bit nervous as a result.

Assuming nothing has changed, I am seeing J in about 10 days!!! And lately either I've been really naughty or he's feeling evilly Dom-like because I have been getting alot of we'll sees. Like last night when I did my laundry didn't feel like separating it and through the white in with what i forgot was a new burgeony t-shirt, and now I have pink splotched panties. Or the night before when Bengay  was mentioned and it made me think of my experiments Sophomore year with Icy Hot, and sheer curiosity  Now he's all "We'll see" about using it. (It hurt! And he said restraints, aka no rubbing, and its lotiony I won't even let him put good lotion on me after my bum's thrashed because of my dislike of being touched. Now he wants to put stuff that hurts?)

He also said there was going to be "plenty of loopy stripes for procrastination." After trying to whine my way out of it, he "we'll see" 'd me. I would be less whiney if I knew it would work. I am a second semester senior who is well aware that after next weekend I prolly won't see J until another 6 months, when I will be out of school making a follow-up pointless unless its for like being disobeident or something.

And my "grades in good girl" seem to have been a mistake on my part, considering again, I was we'll see'd about getting punished for that.

Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be spanked. I need the release that comes with it, and I feel close to J afterward. It breaks my stubborness to an extent and with a combination of a spankings ability to make one feel vulnerable, it makes me be able to be cuddly. I have this mental block that says "I should be tough, no hugs or cuddly. Tough!" but he's my boyfriend. THere should be lots of cuddling. I also want sensual spankings, and just because spankings. I know in like three-ish days we have to make up for the last 6 months of not seeing each other and the next 6 months we probably will not see each other, but I am doubting my bum can take all his we'll sees.

At least its spring break so comfy couches all week as opposed to hard wooden desk chairs. There will be no grades in good girl the next two weeks, not setting myself up anymore than I already am, thank you. :)

Next week is going to be so busy with 4 midterms, 3 papers, 2 rehersals, 2 workshops, 9 hours of work, 1 interview, 1 award dinner, 2 events, 3 birthdays and my usual classes, maybe I will actually sleep at J's house!

? In Good Girl

I have no idea this week. So I technically got all of my papers written, but it involved some up to the wire procrastination. Yes I got them done, but with alot of procrastination to get there. I I didn't do all the readings because I didn't really care. I got a 100 on one of my tests which was quite ace. So I am not really sure. I can do better is the general sum up.

Back to the no clue when i am going to see J thing. I am really trying to be patient but when you get your hopes up and then it falls through, it sucks and is way harder to be patient. Plus I miss him alot.

I went out to a night club last night with some friends. I had a good time, but I am not really sure I was a good girl. I am going to try to not procrastinate this weekend and get some homework done. Spring break in a couple weeks. Oh my gosh,I am almost done with undergrad!!!

Procrastination!

I am all kinds of I don't give a damn right now. About homework that is. I did no homework this past weekend and spent a large portion of last night reading half a novel, and writing 2 papers. My homework for tomorrow is done because my teacher cancelled class the week before. But due on Thursday I have 5 papers due, and about 200 pages and I am still procrastinating with the thought "I have a few hours between work and class tomorrow."

I would say I need some outside motivation, but I am still pretty sure I would still be procrastinating. I am far more interested in EVERYTHING else. Currently it is the excitement of going clubbing with friends on Thursday, earlier it was my resume. I am so sick of homework. 

I don't think my grade in "good girl" will be very high this week......

A- Minus in Good Girl

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!

I hope you have a magical day full of love, cuddles and spankings :) I got flowers yesterday from J, and a valentine box of randomness from someone I don't actually know who it was, no real telltales but secret valentines are fun :) I am also supporting my red arm band for Eve Ensler's One Billion Rising and am going to an event. (There are one billion women in girls who have been victims of sexual violence  today is a day to dance in celebration of their life and protest of the violence)

All of my homework was achieved this week, but I was taking sleep aids this week to force some sleep into my body so I could ace my test earlier today. Which I did very successfully. But as a result, I slept  through a class today, and part of work yesterday because apparently my internal alarm clock does not work with it. So hence the A-. In theory it'd be a B+ but I am being inducted into Alpha Chi a honors society, and I completed homework for next week. That's my logic anyway.

I am actually at work now, but I have nothing to do, I don't really care anymore because of the political bull shitty nonsense. Anyway. My coworker has a friend over in the center and they are flirting and basically on a date. It is all kinds of awkward. Waiting for them to just start making out.

Anyway!!! As you may have figured out the last few update y posts I really freakin' want a spanking/whipping/thrashing/switching. I really want one, but at the same time I know its freakin' gonna freakin' hurt so I will probably beg not to have one when ever it gets closer. I was talking to J last night and we had our usual is crying necessary conversation where he is a yes and I am a no. I'll fight it and as he puts it "at my peril."

 I am gonna post pictures of the other attempts at making implements on here, at some point this weekend. I am rather proud of a couple of them, my attempt to make something like Cane-iac's wicked they no longer sell with like a dowel and then a bit of whippy cord, worked out pretty well. The others are variations on Loopy's thicker tubing then the one I sent J, One that is loopy with a line straight piece of tubing in the middle ect ect. I like spanko craft time, what can I say :)

Incoming Spanking

There is no doubt in my mind, I am getting a spanking sometime in the relatively near future. Now I know that when I go see J, I always end up with a spanking, but there are five types of spanking.

 1. The Fun spanking: The one where J and I are sitting on the couch watching some sport thing and he decides I should go over his lap. It doesn't really hurt, though I flinch anyway knowing if he wanted he could make it hurt. He's used the hairbrush once or twice. They don't hurt as much as the others but I can still feel them. Generally I attempt to whine myself into such a spanking. I may hate otk, but these ones are fun and the attention is nice. So when he is rubbing my bottom, assuming it has reason to be sore, I will whine and tell him to stop, it hurts, until he wants to see ect ect. (I usually try to think of ways to get him to spank me just about all the time and want him to out of the blue be like go get me <instert implement here> young lady, just because he feels like it. He's adorable and hot when he is toppy.)

2. The Stress Relief spanking. This is the kind, for the most part, that requires me asking for it. The one that won't be ending no matter how much I beg and plead until I am crying. This type has the added bonus of making me feel incredibly vulnerable, not such a bonus to me, but if J wanted me to be super cuddly he gets his wish with this one. They hurt like hell, but you know that once you are crying two or three more strokes and it is over. Problem for me is I am stubborn and resist it. 

3.  The quick attitude adjustment spanking: I can think of this happening twice. The first was when I was really cranky after having just got up, and J wanted to see my bottom after having gotten a punishment the day before. I didn't want to show him, and when my pants were down and he had me bent over I kept moving and putting my hands in the way. So he got all toppy and fetched the hairbrush. In an attempt to get away after a few strokes, I tripped and fell on the couch so I was kneeling leaning against the back of the couch, which worked surprisingly well as he was able to hold me there. The other time was technically for disobeidence, having put a pillow over my legs as he was switching them, but it was quick and made me more subby.

4. The Reminder Spanking: This one is J's attempt to remind me to behave. It hurts, there may or may not be tears, But I am going to be pleading like hell for it to stop and he is going to have the toppy voice asking me if I am going to behave in the future. They are not fun, but they aren't the worst. That honor goes to spanking number

5. The punishment spanking: This one is highly ritualized before I even get there for it. First commit some large act of naughtiness. Then online while he is talking to me he spends many nights prior to the spanking with him reminding me just how naughty I was, just what is going to happen to me, making me describe it in relative detail, using my middle name. It is butterfly inducing and the dread builds (it would also be incredibly hot if I knew the spanking wasn't going to be horrible). Then when I get there after a few hugs, "it's tell me why you are getting spanked young lady" and I will try for several minutes to just get words to come out of my mouth but I can't get past what is going to happen. Eventually I will get some words out. He will tell me to take my clothes off, down to bra and panties. The panties will come down later, the bra came off once. I hate this part. He does it with spankings 2 and 4 as well. Why can't my shirt stay on? But of course the fact I hate it means it is effective. Then some corner time, where he warms my bottom with his hand and my hands should remain on my head and I just want to block him because it hurts so bad and I know it isn't the worst. Then quiet corner time to reflect on what is about to happen. Then he calls me over and I have to ask him for a spanking, which is almost never loud enough, forcing me to have to ask again. He says yes, gives the LOOK and grabs me by the ear, towing me to where ever he has in mind for the spanking. Want to feel like a naughty little girl? Go to your top in only a bra and panties and ask him for a "hard spanking on your bare bottom with a ___) then have him look at you and grab you by the ear. You feel roughly 5 years old, but you know what to come is not a five year old spanking. 

He then puts me in some position.  The first few times I was laying on the bed and ended up restrained because I kept putting my hands in the way. We tried it with me bending over grabbing the seat of the chair. I couldn't do it, I was super naughty, and he took me into the bedroom and started over again, as he wasn't sure how many he had given me. the next time and most recent time, he had me lying over a speaker or subwoofer or something like that. I was able to kind of stay in position with that one. After I am in position I have to ask him to pull my panties down. Embarrassing much? Then the spanking begins. I am stubborn as all hell and it is not good for my bottom. With the exception of the first two spankings, it continues until I cry, and that is when he says it can really start, when I am really learning. 

Just before the tears come is the worst part of the spanking. I am trying to be strong because of my stubbornness and I want so badly to not cry, but it hurts so damn much and I can't get away, and it feels relentless and I am sorry. And there is this feeling of dread, that it will never end. Then when the tears come after a little bit, you lay there limp and take it. Cries and promises of being a good girl, but you just want it to end. I usually have to count strokes and I usually mess up the count. Last time I messed up five times, so I got five extras and he said they were going to be the worst, he told me I didn't have to count them and could just lay there and take them. This may sound silly but when he said it he sounded sweet, not mad or dissappointed and it was like a hug, that made staying in place for the lasts ones ok. Orginally at the end, I had to kiss whatever was being used (switch, cane, lexan paddle, bathbruss, strap, belt) but I don't remember if it happened last time, I was more "broken" then I had ever been. Then there are hugs and cuddles, he made me sit on a hard box last time which was less than pleasant.

ANYWAY! For Valentines day, along with several other things, I made him several attempts at a Loopy Johnny and gave him a set of leather and fuzzy cuffs. I was thinking that he would test the LJ once or twice and the cuffs could be used in a more fun manner, but I don't think he agrees. He said something about all the little things over the last few months add up and "paint a picture" one with LJs, restraints, and proper panties. Little things like the insolent moment written about already or the use of the word whatever. It feels a wee bit too much like it is going to be leaning more punishment than reminder. I haven't gotten a punishment in well.... i think next may will make two years. But usually reminders are more about the future and he was talking about things in the past. Either way my bottom is getting one hell of a spanking it would seem, considering he has a thing for trying out the loopy. What happened to a good hand spanking???

F in Good Girl

I definitely failed "good girl" this week. Lots of procrastinating, bullshitting on assignments/quizzes, skipping classes/reading/homework, making excuses/lying to teachers/boss, argumentative  crankiness all the usual things.

In order to make up for it, I made a list of homework for the rest of February which I hope to get a major jump start on. But I know if I get my homework done for next week it will be an improvement. I didn't mean to be so lazy/naughty, but I just kept going "I will get it later,"  unfortunately later never really came.

In other news, I really hope seeing J later this month is still a thing I miss him like crazy. Some of my real life spanko friends want me to come spend part of a weekend with them sometime soon, which is always interesting, and watching their relationship is fascinating. Megh is just too naughty for her own good. Worse than me :)

I hope everyone has a nice weekend, stay safe if you have lots of snow coming :)

Someone to talk to.

I really did not intend to ever use this blog in a rant sort of way, and although this post  isn’t exactly a rant, I really just needed someone to talk to so it is going to be this

I want to preface this all with I am well aware I do have a pretty good life. I have a loving boyfriend, four really close and really great friends, and plenty of other people who call me friends.  I actually have two family members who I like, (with a bit of my family history you would know this is actually a bit surprising.) I am privileged enough to have gone to school and will be graduating in roughly 101 days.  

But I have an addiction. I fight every day to keep myself from picking up a razor blade. I feel in control when everything else is spinning out of control I am able to control that one thing, All the pain on the inside that no matter how often I go to therapy, write about it, talk about it just won’t seem to go away. Until I pick up the razor blade, till the blood drips and the skin burns. It makes the burning in my brain stop, it makes the nightmares stop and if only for that one night, I can sleep. And the next day I feel strong again, like I am actually capable of walking around, making light and seeing the positive in every situation. I am strong enough to resist the urge that bugs me any time I am alone especially at night, for at least a few more months. But I don’t want to break, and I am fighting breaking.

My friends do not get this, they won’t get this and that’s ok. What isn’t ok is that because everything is built up and I am at the breaking point that I can’t be their mother. I am not able to take care of them and their pettiness and pity parties because what I need at the moment is for someone to hold me, listen to me, and remind me I really am strong enough to fight this feeling, what I do for them everyday. It isn’t ok, that now they are mad at me, that they won’t talk to me, because I am fighting a war with my thoughts and my demons and I am trying to not fall back to freshman year me all over again so I just can’t take care of them right now. Because I am trying to not break.

And to relate this to spanking, I always have wondered if I was in a situation whenever the burning was so bad and the pain on the inside too intense, and the demons were about to crush the barricade Les Mis style that I could ask/submit to a really hard, tear inducing, hard to sit spanking, if the urge would go away. I think I would still be dependent on physical pain in a way, but it would be safer physical pain.

Just to clarify, I like spankings for more reasons than the pain.

B+/A- (ish) in Good Girl

Time for my weekly progress report. Not a hopelessly bad week. I didn't take my meds at all this week, and I skipped one reading for class. I also skipped one of my classes today. But I had a really good reason. I  also had no intentions of skipping and went to the other classes, something just...came up. Not sure if it should count so I am ranking myself somewhere between an A- and a B+.

I did finally declare my third minor and apply for graduation this week so that was good. I also succeeded quite well not being self-destructive in the black whole of negativity that is my townhouse this week. All 5 housemates are in horrible moods. Only other reason that maybe it was a B+ is I am way to nice, leant several friends and family members money and who knows if I will get it back. I know better than this!!

Now for my superly exciting news!!!!!!!!!!! I should be see J somewhere near a month from now! I am one happy happy happy young lady. He told me I should start taking behaving seriously  but except maybe a touch of insolence, I have been a pretty good girl and shouldn't be getting a bad spanking. I did mention in the last post needing a spanking, which I think I am allowed to change my mind on if I so choice when it comes closer. I am hoping its a seeing him for the whole weekend thing. Granted a normal person's weekend not mine which goes from 4:30 on thursday to 12 on Tuesday because I crammed tuesday, wednesday and thursday with 4 classes, two independent studies, 3 meetings, and 12 hours of work. But I am one happy happy girl, assuming there is no really harsh spanking. I am not silly enough to think there will be no spankings. He likes my bum too much :) There will be posts about said spankings I am sure

Going with friends tomorrow to get our noses pierced (possibly still contemplating it) and to our favorite feminist friendly sex toy shop. And it is pay day tomorrow as well!

Going to be a good weekend in general.

In need of motivation and a good cry

I really want a spanking. I, of course, want the good girl kind, but I also REALLY want and probably more importantly need, the type of spanking that leaves you sobbing and needing your dom to hold you for hours afterwards.

It isn't that I have been particularly naughty, but rather the potential to be is rather high. I have been staring at my books for an hour and a half now, and have found just about everything else I should/could do instead. I've been in school since the month I turned 3 (preschool, but still there was homework) . That would mean I am in my 20th year of school. I am so sick of school, I am so sick of homework. I know people will tell me the real world's harder or that I will miss school when its all said and done, but it doesn't change the fact right now I am jonesin for a  change of pace. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something....anything!

I was also thinking I should be motivated without needing a spanking to really get it in gear. But the truth is every second semester senior I know is completely unmotivated. Even my 4.0 GPA friends are procrastinating the shit out of school, or skipping assignments, so I am just like every other senior right? The only difference is that I have this thing with spankings, and know that one good spanking and the procrastination is cut in half.... yes, just half. I am a second semester senior, not a saint.

Plus there is something to a "reminder." I have to remind myself on a semi regular basis that spankings HURT! so I don't go do something stupid just to get one. Yes this is a thing, yes it has happened before. A reminder with a spanking that hurts but isn't punishment (because spankings that hurt stop when you are crying, punishments continuing for a solid time) is good because it lasts longer than me simply telling myself spankings hurt.

There is also the benefit of the good cry. I have just been super freakin' ultra cranky. And the good cry, or bawling hysterically, that comes from a spanking is like an emotional reset. I don't know why I am so cranky, but I am. And snappy. Very snappy.

When all is said and done, I need and want a spanking :)

A C+ in Good Girl.

Time for my weekly progressive report, and I would give myself a C+ this week. I was going to give myself a C- but I got a letter today invited me to an "Academic Recognition Dinner" with the President of my college. Now if only I had the slightest clue why I was invited, it says its if you were dominated for an award, and unless I forgot something, I haven't been this year, previous years yes. But I figured I deserved a "bump up" for that.

Reasons I don't deserve an A.

     1. I took my meds, once since last Friday. I don't know what happened I was doing so well!
     2. I didn't do my reading in two classes.
     3. I wrote a paper on one of those readings, having not read it, it was a very half assed paper.
     4. I wrote another summary and didn't proof read. My teacher didn't collect it thoguh, so I can fix                                it for Tuesday if I really want to.
     5. I was feeling kinda sassy and tease like the other day, and J told me I was being an isolent brat. The conclusion was I may or may not be in trouble. Just like him, no actual clarification.
     6. Due to extreme crankyness this week, I might have said a few, or alot.of not so nice things to people.

If you subtract a third of a grade for each point C-, but I think a dinner with the President invite evens things out, no?

I have alot of reading, and 2 summaries this weekend to do. I also really need to work on my resume and my portfolio. I also lost my keys. I need to find those. Yup, Yup, Yup. :)

That's all for now.

Ace of a Weekend

This was a pretty great weekend. Went to a vanilla friends party, but ended up having a "spank off" with my best friend, as a third friend who was kinky, spanked us till one of us screamed. I won, but my friend really didn't have a chance.  Went panty shopping with a friend so she could get "adult" panties on Saturday  Sunday involved working on a project and gorilla glueing my fingers together while making a present for someone that is KILLING me to have to wait several weeks to give, because it was way more successful then I was expecting and I want to share.  And today was spent doing homework. I did all the homework I intend on doing for the week. There is one reading that is pointless and I have no interest in doing.

And I got to have nice relatively long kinky and vanilla conversations with my man  all weekend, for several weeks now really, and it is literally the highlight of my day when I do get to talk to him. I also had a nice skype session with two of my in person kink friends, Megh and Dave.

Dave seems to forget I have a top sometimes, usually its with small things like fetlife. But I asked Megh to go on a trip to see a show with me and she asked Dave. His opinion was it was not safe for two girls to take a train/subway by themselvesm so Megh can't go. I have run out of people to ask do mainly to a dislike of musicals or this assumption its not safe (why is this a thing?). So I said ok and briefly mentioned I'd go by myself. He informed me I would do no such thing without earning a "trip to their woodshed."

They literally have a woodshed. I think its really cool. But no I have a top thank you very much, who I highly doubt will care (about going, he would care about the spanking). Dave  threatens me regularly when Megh and I get together and sass him, but he would never actually do anything because I am in an actual relationship. Except this time involved "the look" and he used my middle name. He was serious, and I laughed at him. Ok, I know, its rude but I have J and I was irritated  I don't like when J tells me what to do. He'll get over his cranky bossiness, I'm sure. He will have to because I am going.

I fell off of the "taking my meds everyday" band wagon. I missed Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Whoops.

Hope all is well for everyone.

I got an A in "good girl"

My first week back is complete! And I have been one good girl if I do say so myself. I have completed all my home for this week, and I even enjoyed the reading for my adbnormal psych courses! As of last night I took my meds for two full weeks! And I was accepted to to be present at a national conference. A couple more weeks of this extreme good girlness and at least in my opinion I will totally deserve "cookies." Just sayin'

I have Mondays and Fridays off because of how I set up my schedule which is nice, but man oh man do those three days whup my bum. To the point I was to tired the last two mornings to send J cute outfit pics.

Homework this week:

Class 1--- Read Chapter 2, right reaction paper
Class 2--- Read 2 articles (about 45 pages of reading.)
Class 3---- Read Case study 5 pages of reading
Class 4----- 17 pages of reading.
Independent study--- Find books

Not too bad, I also should work on my resume and portfolio, as well as the project I am taking to the conference.

I am also have breakfast with a friend tomorrow morning, and I am suppose to go to a party tomorrow night because I don't have "legitmate plans" to get out of it. But if I go to an off campus party some shit happens and I get in trouble. I basically gave up parties after freshmen year. Alcholol makes me hopelessly open and very "risk take-y."  You know "Ha Spankings don't hurt! I can do what I want, like pot or driving with a drunk driver. Ha!" I don't drink that often, it really isn't my thing and I prefer intimate dinner parties as opposed to large raging parties. And then there is the "it's a traffic light party." My friends don't believe that seeing J every few months makes me "taken" but I and J disagree, so there.

I hope everyone had a good week. Wish me luck into not getting in trouble tomorrow night :)

First Last Day

I made it through my last first semester of college. And I am crazy tired. 3 75 minute classes and a meeting for both of my independent studies, and I am rather tired. Normally I would need to add in several hours of work for a Tuesday but we aren't officially starting until tomorrow.

It should be a good semester. So far I have class with a tall younger laid back guy with long curly hair, a class with my favorite teacher and a class with an older professor who threw his brief case, yells when he talks, and hit a girl in the head because he was standing to close to her while gesturing. I have one more class to go tomorrow.

Homework wise for Thursday, my last day of class for a week, I have 17 pages of reading with a summary, and another chapter in another class. Not bad so far.

I am hopelessly tired. I hope all's well.

Technique 375: OTK VS WICKED

I move back to school tomorrow and thought it would be wise to go with clean blankets and clothes. So off I went early in the morning, my untouched coffee in hand, to the laundromat with my several baskets of laundry ( I like clothes, I hate laundry, so I had about a month's worth of clothing). In my caffenine-less state I did not think to bring something to entertain myself, and I was fully convinced it was a waste of gas to go home, about a 25 minute drive. I cleaned my car, organized the papers in my glovebox, and made a grocery list. It took me maybe 15 minutes of the wash cycle. So I sat there day-dreaming to occupy myself.

And of course the topic of my day-dreaming was J. Really, this was nothing new. You know the Lady Antebellum Song "Need you now" the line "And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time." This is highly true with me. If I am not fully engaged in a task, my mind is on J, and I eventually wonder if I cross his mind.

Anyway, so I was lost in my own thoughts. I was actually thinking about the first weekend I stayed over his house. We went to applebees, and I offered to pay and was told no, and I backed down rather quickly. So I was thinking about now, wondering if I would back down and I decided I would probably not. I was wondering what J would do in that same instance, and I know he would most likely threaten a spanking for "not minding," and if I gave him enough grief he would probably follow through.

Now in my head this would not be a really BIG offense, and I am insistent the wicked is only for big offenses and the Lexan paddle is by no means a walk in the park. My mind decided a hand spanking with maybe  a bit of the hairbrush if an implement was so necessary  Although I have never been given just a hand spanking I would imagine it would be otk. As the scenario is playing out in my head, J sits on the couch and tells me to get over his lap. My inner subbie, forgets she's a sub and refuses. He and her go back and forth for a while until he asks if she would rather have a spanking with the wicked.

At this thought it brought me out of a daydream. I honestly do not know what would be worse. Ok, I know this sounds ridiculous  A hand spanking OTK or a wickeding (think plastic switch). Seems like this should be a no brainer, but I HATE OTK. I am a bigger girl. I am not ashamed of this, I love myself. J can't have a huge problem with it or when I asked him after our first meeting if I was "ok enough" he'd have said no. But going over his lap gets me 12 types of self -conscious  I am paranoid I am going to "Squish" him. It isn't he is little, he is about an inch (ish) taller than me, and he's a fireman so it isn't he's weak but still. Add in how juvenile it makes me feel, and how restricted. There is far more restraint over J's lap on the couch then  laying on the bed.

So what's worse the pain, or the emotional/mental aspect. Not really sure, but in the parking lot I was pretty sure in my day-dream my inner subbie would have opted for the Wicked. She's probably not very smart :-p

Well with moving back in, school and work will start soon. I left on bad terms with a couple housemates. I am hoping with break all tempers have cooled down. I am the mom in the house made I can paddle them?

Have a lovely rest of the weekend.

Intro to Packing Procrastination

Hi!

So that whole history post is taking way longer due to to a short attention span. So I thought I would update. Really it is a way to procrastinate on packing. I have been packing my clothes and books and other random things for about three hours now. Its been a case of fold some clothes, play games on my computer, locate all my text books, read out of a text book, stare ominously at my room, get discourage write on blogger. I even took inventory of my panties.

Being into DD and spankings an obsession with panties kind of comes par for the course for some, us included. Jay is kind of particular. We refer to them as "JA" or (Jay approved). He's a full cut brief kind of guy. No free advertising aka labels on the waistband. Real elastic around the waist and legs, not the kind that is covered with fabric.  He'd prefer white and cotton, but says non-cotton (nylon, but I HATE that word, it makes me think of those parachutes you use to play with when you were kids or like the rip-stop my brother makes larping weapons out of, not the silky soft material of said "non cotton" panties are.) are ok too. And I love all things funky so I find the need to not have just white ones. We both enjoy discovering which brands and styles are better (nicer material, last longer ect) so I have a bunch of different ones. So I decided to take inventory. I also own boyshorts and hipsters because he loves me and lets me have that much. Though if I came to his house in those, he has promised me a blistered bottom and the chore of cutting them up. Not only do I know I would be in for the worst spanking of my life because it would be direct disobedience, I also want to make him happy. He may let me have the hipsters and boyshorts, but thongs aren't allowed. If I started buying them whether I showed them off to him or not, my bottom would look like a map of the streets of NY (NJ? i can't remember what he says.)

We had an interesting talk a couple days ago about that. We have this evil implement from Cane-iac called the "wicked sister". It is pure evil. It is the worst thing I have been spanked with and minus a loopy johnny I think we have tried a wide range of implements. Anyway, I haven't actually had a punishment. (I haven't been punished, punished in over a year, this is not to say I haven't been spanked and spanked to tears, rather that I haven't been spanked for punishment.) with this evil thing, but after being able to conveniently "forget" to bring it for several visits, I was told at the beginning of last semester that It would be a poor choice to not bring it, (again direct disobiedence). Jay felt I needed a reminder not to procrastinate or get senioritis (in all honesty I could use another "reminder" considering I still had senioritis last semester). I know that I counted to 18 (I said 6, he said 12 but I guess that was not enough), but I eventually stopped counting, stood up and begged him to stop(babbling about not wanting to cry). But I loved the welts afterwards. We both concluded we like the implements with switches and birches because of the welts. It was interesting to learn something about each other, I'm not sure we knew.  There is a problem with this though. By telling him I like the welts and wouldn't mind a few, he knows that about me and I have no doubt in my mind will act on it. But getting welts HURTS! It is like how I could tell him how to create the perfect punishment for me knowing the different ways he spanks technique wise, but I am sure not going to. That wicked thing is plenty. He also has his eyes on the "extreme loopy johnny" from london tanners. What happened to a hand spanking?

I should finish packing. I leave Sunday and I have to go get my meds, some food, and vacumn/wash my car tomorrow, so it really needs to get done today. Its just soooooo boring. On a positive note I have taken my meds for an entire week, this have never happened before!

Wishing everyone the best!

Rae's Random Ramblings 101

Hi! My name is Rae, sort of anyway.I am a 22 year old college senior. In five days I move back to school to embark on my final semester of undergrad. I have been in an...interesting relationship throughout my entire time at school. It has fluctuated as to just what it is, I am sure I will discuss it more in the future, but the one thing that has always remained the same is that we practice Domestic Discipline.

I had a blog several months ago (Lexan Motivation) but got rid of it as I updated it sporadically, used it in a passive aggressive way at times to tell Jay things I was uncomfortable saying to him, and I never proof read before I posted. I intend on fixing at least two of those problems. I am hoping to write something twice a week, and I am determined to quit being passive aggressive or uncomfortable with Jay, plus it bugged me he never commented anyway. I also intend on proof reading, but my grammar is rather bad. I am quite smart and get good marks, but commas and I just do not get along. I also wrote and commented on blogs as "Percussionchic" though considering I haven't played music since Freshman year, first semester, that too seemed outdated. (You can find me on fetlife under that still though.)

I will mostly be writing about two things on this blog as noted in the description, my last semester of college and TTWD. I really want to have the best semester yet, so I want to use this as a way to be accountable to myself. I never do all the readings, I skip classes, and I never do all my homework. Honestly, I have never found I really need to, I still have a 3.6 and will graduate with a bachelors  and four associates degrees. But there was always a bit of  "oh no, am I ACTUALLY going to pass?" Truth is I am a suck up, a great bullshitter and I take tests really well. I figure if I make myself "report" any readings, skipped classes and missed homework it will give me some form of accountability. I live in a dorm, and "self punishment" would never work for me seeing as its knowing that I let someone down that works, and Jay is more about the big things. You know things involving cars, (drinking/texting while driving for example) I kind of always wished Jay was more about the little things but I don't see him enough. But I need to do something, I could have done better, and I feel like a hypocrite, yelling at my cousin. I should add "participating in class" to my list of things I should work on, but I am soooo afraid of being wrong, I know I won't do it. I may add "take meds everyday" to this list, I suck at it. Well not quite true, I make a conscientious effort to not get up and take them even if I remember.

I also intend on writing about TTWD. I love spankings, I like pain, I like being dominated. I don't like punishments, but I know I need them. I have a lovely dom, and a great deal of in person friends who are into TTWD and the more online friends the merrier. I will write a more detailed description of my history with TTWD tomorrow. I also like writing spanking stories so from time to time, those too will make their way up here.

Although I don't really intend to use this to rant, I am spending my 8th consecutive semester housing with 4-5 hormonal college girls. Sometimes its just too much to handle so I reserve the right :)

So I think I will wrap up this post with some random about me facts. I love the color teal and green though I have recently become obsessed with the color pink. Jay knows me better than anyone in my life, and if it was up to me, I would spend every moment with him for the rest of our lives.  I had brain surgery when I was 16, was abused as a child (no that is NOT why I like spankings) and I struggle everyday with self-harm as a result the song "defy gravity" from the Musical Wicked is basically my theme song. I intend on tattooing it to my foot in May. I have an obsession with turtles that some would call unhealthy. I was given a bracelet from almost all of the most important people in my life and I wear them every day in order to remember I am loved. I self-identify as bi-sexual (not a phase), a feminist (specifically a sex positive feminist), and an activist. I am  quiet until you get to know me, then beware. I dislike being in  large of groups of people at parties for instance and prefer intimate gatherings. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life but I know I love children. If I could do anything I would be a photographer, but I have not set myself up for that at all because of the family ridicule  Maybe someday?. I love music, harry potter fanfiction, and my dog. My favorite movies are Letters to Juliette, the Avengers, Iron Man (1+2), White Christmas, and the Newsies. I am wicked stubborn, and I overthink everything. Both are trait Jay would tell you he hasn't spanked out of me yet. I love making things for other people but feel shy and dorky when giving them said thing. Tamora Pierce is my favorite writer, besides J.K. Rowling. I have come a LONG way in the past three years and I have no intentions of going backwards.

I hope you stick around and read. Please feel free to comment. I promise to update twice a week, if not you can spank me ;)