I basically stopped blogging because J pointed out to me just how much I use it to communicate to him, and in many ways that is true. But not always. I don't always want him to know what's on my blog, there are times when I just need someone to listen to me and my blog seems like a great place. This is one of those posts, or that is how its starting.

When I was growing up I was taught to limit all emotions and I have spent four years having them. The problem is that at times they are so strong I don't know what to do with them. This could be common, not really sure, it is new for me. Current emotions running through  my body? Stress, anger, hurt, sadness, but also hope.

Stress because it was tech week for our production. I also didn't do any homework and have been half assing papers all week. (like really badly, there goes my A, procrastination)

Anger because someone leaked our script on a tumblr post taking the skit out of context. the truth of the matter is the skit, out of context, is offensive. With context it is clearly satirical, meant to shock to bring about greater issues. This person dragged our club's name threw the mud, then dragged the director and my name through the mud. Then add in a person who claims to be one of my best friends talking with the orginal person about us. Not to us. I made a mistake. Yes I used pronouns wrong, but as much as I try to be a trans ally, "they and them" for a singular person is really hard, especially when you rarely need to. But I said I was sorry, and it isn't like it was their pronouns I messed up. Now it is their turn. We can't change the script. it isn't racist, or cissexist, or transphobic. I've worked my ass off for this show, and kept my mouth shut. I've gotten no thank yous from the director and shit on form other people.

This is where the hurt comes in, the so called best friend, the director who is supposedly my other best friend. The sadness and hurt and hope intersect as well. I am  beyond hopeful J makes his way to the show tomorrow and stays over. But my friends remind me it isn't going to happen so they have less pieces to pick up tomorrow. I'm going to be sad. I try to understand why he can't come, but why "i'm visiting a friend" wouldn't work, I don't get. To be honest, I'm really hurt he won't be at graduation. I try to understand but I am 22. I believe we can change our fate and the world. I believe we should love who we love. I believe there is great truth to the saying "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" And the important people in our live, wouldn't mind. I do try to understand where he is coming from, I am his biggest advocate with my friends. But sometimes, somethings, I don't get. I think realizing he wont be there tomorrow, mixes with the days of stress and anger, and hurt from other people and causes me to realize just how much him not being at graduation is going to hurt me come that day. And yet I am hopeful. All day tomorrow I will hope that by 7 oclock when lights go down and our show starts that he'll be there. It is just how I am wired. (I feel I shouldn't include this in this post. I didn't write it to hurt him, or for him. I wrote it because I have so much crap I'm trying to deal with I just need to get it out.)

One skit in the show involves myself getting hit once with a flogger. For the first time the girl hit my back, a huge no. It takes alot to be touched on my back. In that one instance I was dragged through old memories. I've been feeling shakey since. Letting others continue to touch me in the show and else where is hard. I didn't think to tell her no, that's my fault. I mean I freak when J hits to high on my bum.

Maybe he and I should work on that and belts. This one is for him hehehe :-p

I need to get some sleep. here is to hoping all works out with the shows, and I am granted patience to not launch into verbal fisitcuffs with the mentioned individuals while in class. Also here's to remembering gg panties tomorrow so they stay up while changing back stage :)