I basically stopped blogging because J pointed out to me just how much I use it to communicate to him, and in many ways that is true. But not always. I don't always want him to know what's on my blog, there are times when I just need someone to listen to me and my blog seems like a great place. This is one of those posts, or that is how its starting.

When I was growing up I was taught to limit all emotions and I have spent four years having them. The problem is that at times they are so strong I don't know what to do with them. This could be common, not really sure, it is new for me. Current emotions running through  my body? Stress, anger, hurt, sadness, but also hope.

Stress because it was tech week for our production. I also didn't do any homework and have been half assing papers all week. (like really badly, there goes my A, procrastination)

Anger because someone leaked our script on a tumblr post taking the skit out of context. the truth of the matter is the skit, out of context, is offensive. With context it is clearly satirical, meant to shock to bring about greater issues. This person dragged our club's name threw the mud, then dragged the director and my name through the mud. Then add in a person who claims to be one of my best friends talking with the orginal person about us. Not to us. I made a mistake. Yes I used pronouns wrong, but as much as I try to be a trans ally, "they and them" for a singular person is really hard, especially when you rarely need to. But I said I was sorry, and it isn't like it was their pronouns I messed up. Now it is their turn. We can't change the script. it isn't racist, or cissexist, or transphobic. I've worked my ass off for this show, and kept my mouth shut. I've gotten no thank yous from the director and shit on form other people.

This is where the hurt comes in, the so called best friend, the director who is supposedly my other best friend. The sadness and hurt and hope intersect as well. I am  beyond hopeful J makes his way to the show tomorrow and stays over. But my friends remind me it isn't going to happen so they have less pieces to pick up tomorrow. I'm going to be sad. I try to understand why he can't come, but why "i'm visiting a friend" wouldn't work, I don't get. To be honest, I'm really hurt he won't be at graduation. I try to understand but I am 22. I believe we can change our fate and the world. I believe we should love who we love. I believe there is great truth to the saying "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" And the important people in our live, wouldn't mind. I do try to understand where he is coming from, I am his biggest advocate with my friends. But sometimes, somethings, I don't get. I think realizing he wont be there tomorrow, mixes with the days of stress and anger, and hurt from other people and causes me to realize just how much him not being at graduation is going to hurt me come that day. And yet I am hopeful. All day tomorrow I will hope that by 7 oclock when lights go down and our show starts that he'll be there. It is just how I am wired. (I feel I shouldn't include this in this post. I didn't write it to hurt him, or for him. I wrote it because I have so much crap I'm trying to deal with I just need to get it out.)

One skit in the show involves myself getting hit once with a flogger. For the first time the girl hit my back, a huge no. It takes alot to be touched on my back. In that one instance I was dragged through old memories. I've been feeling shakey since. Letting others continue to touch me in the show and else where is hard. I didn't think to tell her no, that's my fault. I mean I freak when J hits to high on my bum.

Maybe he and I should work on that and belts. This one is for him hehehe :-p

I need to get some sleep. here is to hoping all works out with the shows, and I am granted patience to not launch into verbal fisitcuffs with the mentioned individuals while in class. Also here's to remembering gg panties tomorrow so they stay up while changing back stage :)

Photography

I love photography. I am fascinated by photos, and lately its been the artistic photos on fetlife. I have a friend who specializes in some form of photography I thought started with a "b" but burlesque is stuck in my head, but I do not think that is correct. I know it is sexual and sensual classy photos involving different states of dress...and undress. And I love his photos. He's been begging me to model for him both for samples for his business, as practice, and apparently he thinks my eyes and smile are something that should be capture. gross I know.

And I have been putting alot of thought into it though I have currently said no. And his response was "don't say no, say you will think about it." So think about it i have. I am not even confident enough to let my man take photos without whining, and definitely not playing along or posing. When he says smile it barely happens, but man I wish I was more ok with it, but lately its been sounding wicked hot in my head.

I could be alot of fun to take photos for either of them. I am still thinking about it anway.


My school offers free HIV testing, and myself and my group of friends decided to get tested. We got our results to day, and one of my friends was positive. Which is rough but what is worse is she has had 2 sexual partners. Both claimed to be virgins, though she always thought the first was cheating on her. A professor at our school passed away today which was also terribly said. I got clearance to graduate, not so sad. And I am still PMSing and have been riding a rollercoaster of my emotions all day.

I am one midterm, 2 classes, 1 interview and 2 important meetings away from spring break. I am very excited!

I have been so unbelievably cranky these last few days. I just have two more days and I am on spring break. And hopefully I will be less stressed/busy and  I will no longer want to get into a fisticuffs with anyone who talks to me.

My professor suggested I leave class today after arguing with him for the third time, one of which I asked him if he even read the article we understood or if he just didn't understand it and the another involved me asking if he thought it was opposite. He got over it all, it seems as during a recognition dinner, he called me one of his best students.

I had issues finding something to wear to said dinner. Nothing looked good and I was set on not going. When I said this to J, his response was that I was going. I answered with "maybe" because my first response was go to hell, you don't have control over me. It's not like he was really doing anything that toppy or bad I am just so cranky.

I was sitting here think "seeing J in like two days, yay!!!" then two seconds later I am all "He's not spanking me, I am not crying, I am not being spanked" I know I need to snap out of this mood by Friday because he is not against spanking the crankiness out of me, and definitely not against spanking me for disobedience, and despite being logical enough to know this, I am still cranky as hell.

The above was just two examples, but there are SOOOOOO many more isn't almost shameful.

I will write about my adventures at J's this weekend! Happy Women's history month!