Someone to talk to.

I really did not intend to ever use this blog in a rant sort of way, and although this post  isn’t exactly a rant, I really just needed someone to talk to so it is going to be this

I want to preface this all with I am well aware I do have a pretty good life. I have a loving boyfriend, four really close and really great friends, and plenty of other people who call me friends.  I actually have two family members who I like, (with a bit of my family history you would know this is actually a bit surprising.) I am privileged enough to have gone to school and will be graduating in roughly 101 days.  

But I have an addiction. I fight every day to keep myself from picking up a razor blade. I feel in control when everything else is spinning out of control I am able to control that one thing, All the pain on the inside that no matter how often I go to therapy, write about it, talk about it just won’t seem to go away. Until I pick up the razor blade, till the blood drips and the skin burns. It makes the burning in my brain stop, it makes the nightmares stop and if only for that one night, I can sleep. And the next day I feel strong again, like I am actually capable of walking around, making light and seeing the positive in every situation. I am strong enough to resist the urge that bugs me any time I am alone especially at night, for at least a few more months. But I don’t want to break, and I am fighting breaking.

My friends do not get this, they won’t get this and that’s ok. What isn’t ok is that because everything is built up and I am at the breaking point that I can’t be their mother. I am not able to take care of them and their pettiness and pity parties because what I need at the moment is for someone to hold me, listen to me, and remind me I really am strong enough to fight this feeling, what I do for them everyday. It isn’t ok, that now they are mad at me, that they won’t talk to me, because I am fighting a war with my thoughts and my demons and I am trying to not fall back to freshman year me all over again so I just can’t take care of them right now. Because I am trying to not break.

And to relate this to spanking, I always have wondered if I was in a situation whenever the burning was so bad and the pain on the inside too intense, and the demons were about to crush the barricade Les Mis style that I could ask/submit to a really hard, tear inducing, hard to sit spanking, if the urge would go away. I think I would still be dependent on physical pain in a way, but it would be safer physical pain.

Just to clarify, I like spankings for more reasons than the pain.