We'll See

We'll see. I hate that phrase. We'll see. And because I hate it, J uses it all the time. I hate it the first time he said it to me 4 years ago, and I hated it when he used it just last night. Now I know it sounds like a completely harmless phrase. But it's not. It is an evil phrase used by a Dom, to confuse a subbie into butterflies so she has no idea what she is in for, and is a bit nervous as a result.

Assuming nothing has changed, I am seeing J in about 10 days!!! And lately either I've been really naughty or he's feeling evilly Dom-like because I have been getting alot of we'll sees. Like last night when I did my laundry didn't feel like separating it and through the white in with what i forgot was a new burgeony t-shirt, and now I have pink splotched panties. Or the night before when Bengay  was mentioned and it made me think of my experiments Sophomore year with Icy Hot, and sheer curiosity  Now he's all "We'll see" about using it. (It hurt! And he said restraints, aka no rubbing, and its lotiony I won't even let him put good lotion on me after my bum's thrashed because of my dislike of being touched. Now he wants to put stuff that hurts?)

He also said there was going to be "plenty of loopy stripes for procrastination." After trying to whine my way out of it, he "we'll see" 'd me. I would be less whiney if I knew it would work. I am a second semester senior who is well aware that after next weekend I prolly won't see J until another 6 months, when I will be out of school making a follow-up pointless unless its for like being disobeident or something.

And my "grades in good girl" seem to have been a mistake on my part, considering again, I was we'll see'd about getting punished for that.

Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be spanked. I need the release that comes with it, and I feel close to J afterward. It breaks my stubborness to an extent and with a combination of a spankings ability to make one feel vulnerable, it makes me be able to be cuddly. I have this mental block that says "I should be tough, no hugs or cuddly. Tough!" but he's my boyfriend. THere should be lots of cuddling. I also want sensual spankings, and just because spankings. I know in like three-ish days we have to make up for the last 6 months of not seeing each other and the next 6 months we probably will not see each other, but I am doubting my bum can take all his we'll sees.

At least its spring break so comfy couches all week as opposed to hard wooden desk chairs. There will be no grades in good girl the next two weeks, not setting myself up anymore than I already am, thank you. :)

Next week is going to be so busy with 4 midterms, 3 papers, 2 rehersals, 2 workshops, 9 hours of work, 1 interview, 1 award dinner, 2 events, 3 birthdays and my usual classes, maybe I will actually sleep at J's house!

? In Good Girl

I have no idea this week. So I technically got all of my papers written, but it involved some up to the wire procrastination. Yes I got them done, but with alot of procrastination to get there. I I didn't do all the readings because I didn't really care. I got a 100 on one of my tests which was quite ace. So I am not really sure. I can do better is the general sum up.

Back to the no clue when i am going to see J thing. I am really trying to be patient but when you get your hopes up and then it falls through, it sucks and is way harder to be patient. Plus I miss him alot.

I went out to a night club last night with some friends. I had a good time, but I am not really sure I was a good girl. I am going to try to not procrastinate this weekend and get some homework done. Spring break in a couple weeks. Oh my gosh,I am almost done with undergrad!!!

Procrastination!

I am all kinds of I don't give a damn right now. About homework that is. I did no homework this past weekend and spent a large portion of last night reading half a novel, and writing 2 papers. My homework for tomorrow is done because my teacher cancelled class the week before. But due on Thursday I have 5 papers due, and about 200 pages and I am still procrastinating with the thought "I have a few hours between work and class tomorrow."

I would say I need some outside motivation, but I am still pretty sure I would still be procrastinating. I am far more interested in EVERYTHING else. Currently it is the excitement of going clubbing with friends on Thursday, earlier it was my resume. I am so sick of homework. 

I don't think my grade in "good girl" will be very high this week......

A- Minus in Good Girl

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!

I hope you have a magical day full of love, cuddles and spankings :) I got flowers yesterday from J, and a valentine box of randomness from someone I don't actually know who it was, no real telltales but secret valentines are fun :) I am also supporting my red arm band for Eve Ensler's One Billion Rising and am going to an event. (There are one billion women in girls who have been victims of sexual violence  today is a day to dance in celebration of their life and protest of the violence)

All of my homework was achieved this week, but I was taking sleep aids this week to force some sleep into my body so I could ace my test earlier today. Which I did very successfully. But as a result, I slept  through a class today, and part of work yesterday because apparently my internal alarm clock does not work with it. So hence the A-. In theory it'd be a B+ but I am being inducted into Alpha Chi a honors society, and I completed homework for next week. That's my logic anyway.

I am actually at work now, but I have nothing to do, I don't really care anymore because of the political bull shitty nonsense. Anyway. My coworker has a friend over in the center and they are flirting and basically on a date. It is all kinds of awkward. Waiting for them to just start making out.

Anyway!!! As you may have figured out the last few update y posts I really freakin' want a spanking/whipping/thrashing/switching. I really want one, but at the same time I know its freakin' gonna freakin' hurt so I will probably beg not to have one when ever it gets closer. I was talking to J last night and we had our usual is crying necessary conversation where he is a yes and I am a no. I'll fight it and as he puts it "at my peril."

 I am gonna post pictures of the other attempts at making implements on here, at some point this weekend. I am rather proud of a couple of them, my attempt to make something like Cane-iac's wicked they no longer sell with like a dowel and then a bit of whippy cord, worked out pretty well. The others are variations on Loopy's thicker tubing then the one I sent J, One that is loopy with a line straight piece of tubing in the middle ect ect. I like spanko craft time, what can I say :)

Incoming Spanking

There is no doubt in my mind, I am getting a spanking sometime in the relatively near future. Now I know that when I go see J, I always end up with a spanking, but there are five types of spanking.

 1. The Fun spanking: The one where J and I are sitting on the couch watching some sport thing and he decides I should go over his lap. It doesn't really hurt, though I flinch anyway knowing if he wanted he could make it hurt. He's used the hairbrush once or twice. They don't hurt as much as the others but I can still feel them. Generally I attempt to whine myself into such a spanking. I may hate otk, but these ones are fun and the attention is nice. So when he is rubbing my bottom, assuming it has reason to be sore, I will whine and tell him to stop, it hurts, until he wants to see ect ect. (I usually try to think of ways to get him to spank me just about all the time and want him to out of the blue be like go get me <instert implement here> young lady, just because he feels like it. He's adorable and hot when he is toppy.)

2. The Stress Relief spanking. This is the kind, for the most part, that requires me asking for it. The one that won't be ending no matter how much I beg and plead until I am crying. This type has the added bonus of making me feel incredibly vulnerable, not such a bonus to me, but if J wanted me to be super cuddly he gets his wish with this one. They hurt like hell, but you know that once you are crying two or three more strokes and it is over. Problem for me is I am stubborn and resist it. 

3.  The quick attitude adjustment spanking: I can think of this happening twice. The first was when I was really cranky after having just got up, and J wanted to see my bottom after having gotten a punishment the day before. I didn't want to show him, and when my pants were down and he had me bent over I kept moving and putting my hands in the way. So he got all toppy and fetched the hairbrush. In an attempt to get away after a few strokes, I tripped and fell on the couch so I was kneeling leaning against the back of the couch, which worked surprisingly well as he was able to hold me there. The other time was technically for disobeidence, having put a pillow over my legs as he was switching them, but it was quick and made me more subby.

4. The Reminder Spanking: This one is J's attempt to remind me to behave. It hurts, there may or may not be tears, But I am going to be pleading like hell for it to stop and he is going to have the toppy voice asking me if I am going to behave in the future. They are not fun, but they aren't the worst. That honor goes to spanking number

5. The punishment spanking: This one is highly ritualized before I even get there for it. First commit some large act of naughtiness. Then online while he is talking to me he spends many nights prior to the spanking with him reminding me just how naughty I was, just what is going to happen to me, making me describe it in relative detail, using my middle name. It is butterfly inducing and the dread builds (it would also be incredibly hot if I knew the spanking wasn't going to be horrible). Then when I get there after a few hugs, "it's tell me why you are getting spanked young lady" and I will try for several minutes to just get words to come out of my mouth but I can't get past what is going to happen. Eventually I will get some words out. He will tell me to take my clothes off, down to bra and panties. The panties will come down later, the bra came off once. I hate this part. He does it with spankings 2 and 4 as well. Why can't my shirt stay on? But of course the fact I hate it means it is effective. Then some corner time, where he warms my bottom with his hand and my hands should remain on my head and I just want to block him because it hurts so bad and I know it isn't the worst. Then quiet corner time to reflect on what is about to happen. Then he calls me over and I have to ask him for a spanking, which is almost never loud enough, forcing me to have to ask again. He says yes, gives the LOOK and grabs me by the ear, towing me to where ever he has in mind for the spanking. Want to feel like a naughty little girl? Go to your top in only a bra and panties and ask him for a "hard spanking on your bare bottom with a ___) then have him look at you and grab you by the ear. You feel roughly 5 years old, but you know what to come is not a five year old spanking. 

He then puts me in some position.  The first few times I was laying on the bed and ended up restrained because I kept putting my hands in the way. We tried it with me bending over grabbing the seat of the chair. I couldn't do it, I was super naughty, and he took me into the bedroom and started over again, as he wasn't sure how many he had given me. the next time and most recent time, he had me lying over a speaker or subwoofer or something like that. I was able to kind of stay in position with that one. After I am in position I have to ask him to pull my panties down. Embarrassing much? Then the spanking begins. I am stubborn as all hell and it is not good for my bottom. With the exception of the first two spankings, it continues until I cry, and that is when he says it can really start, when I am really learning. 

Just before the tears come is the worst part of the spanking. I am trying to be strong because of my stubbornness and I want so badly to not cry, but it hurts so damn much and I can't get away, and it feels relentless and I am sorry. And there is this feeling of dread, that it will never end. Then when the tears come after a little bit, you lay there limp and take it. Cries and promises of being a good girl, but you just want it to end. I usually have to count strokes and I usually mess up the count. Last time I messed up five times, so I got five extras and he said they were going to be the worst, he told me I didn't have to count them and could just lay there and take them. This may sound silly but when he said it he sounded sweet, not mad or dissappointed and it was like a hug, that made staying in place for the lasts ones ok. Orginally at the end, I had to kiss whatever was being used (switch, cane, lexan paddle, bathbruss, strap, belt) but I don't remember if it happened last time, I was more "broken" then I had ever been. Then there are hugs and cuddles, he made me sit on a hard box last time which was less than pleasant.

ANYWAY! For Valentines day, along with several other things, I made him several attempts at a Loopy Johnny and gave him a set of leather and fuzzy cuffs. I was thinking that he would test the LJ once or twice and the cuffs could be used in a more fun manner, but I don't think he agrees. He said something about all the little things over the last few months add up and "paint a picture" one with LJs, restraints, and proper panties. Little things like the insolent moment written about already or the use of the word whatever. It feels a wee bit too much like it is going to be leaning more punishment than reminder. I haven't gotten a punishment in well.... i think next may will make two years. But usually reminders are more about the future and he was talking about things in the past. Either way my bottom is getting one hell of a spanking it would seem, considering he has a thing for trying out the loopy. What happened to a good hand spanking???

F in Good Girl

I definitely failed "good girl" this week. Lots of procrastinating, bullshitting on assignments/quizzes, skipping classes/reading/homework, making excuses/lying to teachers/boss, argumentative  crankiness all the usual things.

In order to make up for it, I made a list of homework for the rest of February which I hope to get a major jump start on. But I know if I get my homework done for next week it will be an improvement. I didn't mean to be so lazy/naughty, but I just kept going "I will get it later,"  unfortunately later never really came.

In other news, I really hope seeing J later this month is still a thing I miss him like crazy. Some of my real life spanko friends want me to come spend part of a weekend with them sometime soon, which is always interesting, and watching their relationship is fascinating. Megh is just too naughty for her own good. Worse than me :)

I hope everyone has a nice weekend, stay safe if you have lots of snow coming :)

Someone to talk to.

I really did not intend to ever use this blog in a rant sort of way, and although this post  isn’t exactly a rant, I really just needed someone to talk to so it is going to be this

I want to preface this all with I am well aware I do have a pretty good life. I have a loving boyfriend, four really close and really great friends, and plenty of other people who call me friends.  I actually have two family members who I like, (with a bit of my family history you would know this is actually a bit surprising.) I am privileged enough to have gone to school and will be graduating in roughly 101 days.  

But I have an addiction. I fight every day to keep myself from picking up a razor blade. I feel in control when everything else is spinning out of control I am able to control that one thing, All the pain on the inside that no matter how often I go to therapy, write about it, talk about it just won’t seem to go away. Until I pick up the razor blade, till the blood drips and the skin burns. It makes the burning in my brain stop, it makes the nightmares stop and if only for that one night, I can sleep. And the next day I feel strong again, like I am actually capable of walking around, making light and seeing the positive in every situation. I am strong enough to resist the urge that bugs me any time I am alone especially at night, for at least a few more months. But I don’t want to break, and I am fighting breaking.

My friends do not get this, they won’t get this and that’s ok. What isn’t ok is that because everything is built up and I am at the breaking point that I can’t be their mother. I am not able to take care of them and their pettiness and pity parties because what I need at the moment is for someone to hold me, listen to me, and remind me I really am strong enough to fight this feeling, what I do for them everyday. It isn’t ok, that now they are mad at me, that they won’t talk to me, because I am fighting a war with my thoughts and my demons and I am trying to not fall back to freshman year me all over again so I just can’t take care of them right now. Because I am trying to not break.

And to relate this to spanking, I always have wondered if I was in a situation whenever the burning was so bad and the pain on the inside too intense, and the demons were about to crush the barricade Les Mis style that I could ask/submit to a really hard, tear inducing, hard to sit spanking, if the urge would go away. I think I would still be dependent on physical pain in a way, but it would be safer physical pain.

Just to clarify, I like spankings for more reasons than the pain.