The night before I left for NCUR, I completely lost my temper. But instead of taking it out on the person I was angry with or my housemates as per usual, I went up stairs to my room and let out the anger. The result was a hole in my wall. Of course we had health and safetys while I was away, they fixed it and I  Got called into the RD's off to "discuss it." The result? The choice between GP1 or seeing counseling services for "anger management." I either get to go by Friday or get put on "probation." Granted she only through the probation thing when I was like "are you serious?"

My thinking it is like this. I have my dad's temper, i do a solid job keeping it in. Occasionally, it boils up and I feel like I am going to explode. In the past, my best friend/housemate always becomes my target. So when I was to the tears, shaking, wanting to hurt something/someone/myself level of angry, I left the situation that had tipped the scales, went to my house and let it out. To me, I have anger management down and its not like GP1 will matter in 1 month and 3 days anyway. 

Stupid RPS.

For the most part I do not believe in regrets. I believe everything happens for a reason and you can find a positive in everything. It makes you a bigger, better and stronger person. But I regret the day I decided to take out my inner frustrations on my body with a blade. The result is that I struggle with the desire most days and even worse on days when I am feeling the most insecure and vulnerable.

I hate feeling insecure. If my childhood could be different, I would want more than anything to have come out of it less insecure about my relationships with others and my own self-worth. I know for the most part I'm "a catch." I'm a great friend, when i am in a relationship with someone I love with everything I have and want nothing more for them to be happy. I take pleasure in surprising people just to see them smile. I'm pretty smart. I'm ok looking. I've gone to school.

 But self doubt creeps in. I lose sleep, work suffers, I second guess everything about every relationship I have and need constant reassurance. The only way I know how to deal is to cut, and I am so determined not to. The last time I did was in September, you'd think I would be over it no?

I would do anything for a job interview. I've sent alot of applications out and I feel so insecure and it is making me feel so insecure about EVERYTHING. What if I don't get a job and am stuck near my parents working some minimum wage job? WHat if I really am meant to follow in my family's footsteps!!

I found a new artist "Allison's invention." Her song "Ran" is spurring me from the downward spiral of self destruction that I am very close to the brink of. Here are the lyrics, I like them alot.

Ran

"Hey Little Girl 

where do you think you're going

you've been trying to prove yourself

a long long time. 

Who are you now

with all those demons lurking

getting this far 

has been a long long climb

She ran to the corner

just to prove that she wasn't afraid

she crossed the street without looking

over the bridge that led to downtown

Took a breath of the city air

and she had herself a look around

and sometimes she started one way

and sometimes she started for another

But the thing she'd never understand

was why she was always running from mother

Hey little girl

I know those ghosts that ride you

they're bound to catch you baby

in the end

In all your dreams 

you suddenly grow wings

And at the last moment

you start to ascend

Questions remain that you may never answer

untold secrets taken to her grave

who do you fear most

is it her or you

twenty years later

you're still trying to be brave