Hmmm... It has been a long while since I last wrote on this blog. And a good deal has happened. I've graduated, I have my bachelors, I have a great deal of job interviews but no jobs yet. I think I've become kinkier and more insatiable. I'm living with my father and my best friend. It's why I found my way back to this blog. I'm sure plenty of TTWD writing will occur but also plenty of venting.

Living with the man who made your life a living hell growing up is taxing even if he has kept his hands off you. What happens is all the demons you've dealt with try to wiggle their way back into your mind sending you backwards. For instance, I've never been a big fan of being touched, no hugs, no pats on the shoulder and god help you if you touched my back. But over four years with huggy feely friends and J I got over it. Well we were at my brother's in laws on father's day. My brother, his father in law and my father all walked behind where I was sitting and all felt the need to touch my back in someway. I literally started to shake. The other night E told me she needed a hug. It took everything I had to giver her one.

That's one example anyway. My father doesn't exactly understand personal limits or boundaries either. I am so sick of the lies. If I hear one more "I think we did an excellent job raising you" one more time I might explode. No, you royally fucked me up but my grammother balanced your crazy and then I met J who has helped me so much for the last 4 years fix alot of your crazy, as well as some of the people I met in school.

Also on the list of one more time and I will explode "Why are you moving there?" I am moving a state away. Two reasons, I want to know if J and I stand a fighting chance. Only way to know is if we are closer. I am hopelessly in love with him, but also hopelessly not happy. I can't do not seeing him at least once a week. It is my hope if I live closer to him then we will see each other every week, and he will eventually tell his daughter. If not, then maybe we were just meant to be friends. But I am doing my part by moving up there. The other reason is to get away from them, especially him. But I can't give either of these reasons Last time I was asked, last night after coming back from an interview, my response was "Because I fucking want to, fucking deal with it." I almost got popped in the mouth for it, but E had come around the corner. He may not be doing anything but being with him so often is making me relive it over and over again.

I thought I had a good grasp on my fear of thunder. Well I was at a play party the other day and when I got there is was thundering and lightening. Meaning I needed to get out of my car and walk up the long drive way in the thunder. They live in a very secluded area, I was outside and It felt very real, like when I use to be left out there. By the time I got to the house I was shaking. My friend L took care of me until I'd calmed down, though poor dude was very confused for a while.

I am not sure how I am making even one more night here. And it feels so hopeless about getting out of here. Hopeless to the point I was thinking about how I could get out of here "easily." That thought scared me a bit to much. I haven't been to the place of such desperation suicide crossed my mind in a very long time.

I hope a job comes along, or an opportunity that will take me from this house for a little while at the very least comes along soon.

I'm grasping tightly to any hope I have left. Here's to holding on one more day.