Hmmm... It has been a long while since I last wrote on this blog. And a good deal has happened. I've graduated, I have my bachelors, I have a great deal of job interviews but no jobs yet. I think I've become kinkier and more insatiable. I'm living with my father and my best friend. It's why I found my way back to this blog. I'm sure plenty of TTWD writing will occur but also plenty of venting.

Living with the man who made your life a living hell growing up is taxing even if he has kept his hands off you. What happens is all the demons you've dealt with try to wiggle their way back into your mind sending you backwards. For instance, I've never been a big fan of being touched, no hugs, no pats on the shoulder and god help you if you touched my back. But over four years with huggy feely friends and J I got over it. Well we were at my brother's in laws on father's day. My brother, his father in law and my father all walked behind where I was sitting and all felt the need to touch my back in someway. I literally started to shake. The other night E told me she needed a hug. It took everything I had to giver her one.

That's one example anyway. My father doesn't exactly understand personal limits or boundaries either. I am so sick of the lies. If I hear one more "I think we did an excellent job raising you" one more time I might explode. No, you royally fucked me up but my grammother balanced your crazy and then I met J who has helped me so much for the last 4 years fix alot of your crazy, as well as some of the people I met in school.

Also on the list of one more time and I will explode "Why are you moving there?" I am moving a state away. Two reasons, I want to know if J and I stand a fighting chance. Only way to know is if we are closer. I am hopelessly in love with him, but also hopelessly not happy. I can't do not seeing him at least once a week. It is my hope if I live closer to him then we will see each other every week, and he will eventually tell his daughter. If not, then maybe we were just meant to be friends. But I am doing my part by moving up there. The other reason is to get away from them, especially him. But I can't give either of these reasons Last time I was asked, last night after coming back from an interview, my response was "Because I fucking want to, fucking deal with it." I almost got popped in the mouth for it, but E had come around the corner. He may not be doing anything but being with him so often is making me relive it over and over again.

I thought I had a good grasp on my fear of thunder. Well I was at a play party the other day and when I got there is was thundering and lightening. Meaning I needed to get out of my car and walk up the long drive way in the thunder. They live in a very secluded area, I was outside and It felt very real, like when I use to be left out there. By the time I got to the house I was shaking. My friend L took care of me until I'd calmed down, though poor dude was very confused for a while.

I am not sure how I am making even one more night here. And it feels so hopeless about getting out of here. Hopeless to the point I was thinking about how I could get out of here "easily." That thought scared me a bit to much. I haven't been to the place of such desperation suicide crossed my mind in a very long time.

I hope a job comes along, or an opportunity that will take me from this house for a little while at the very least comes along soon.

I'm grasping tightly to any hope I have left. Here's to holding on one more day.

The night before I left for NCUR, I completely lost my temper. But instead of taking it out on the person I was angry with or my housemates as per usual, I went up stairs to my room and let out the anger. The result was a hole in my wall. Of course we had health and safetys while I was away, they fixed it and I  Got called into the RD's off to "discuss it." The result? The choice between GP1 or seeing counseling services for "anger management." I either get to go by Friday or get put on "probation." Granted she only through the probation thing when I was like "are you serious?"

My thinking it is like this. I have my dad's temper, i do a solid job keeping it in. Occasionally, it boils up and I feel like I am going to explode. In the past, my best friend/housemate always becomes my target. So when I was to the tears, shaking, wanting to hurt something/someone/myself level of angry, I left the situation that had tipped the scales, went to my house and let it out. To me, I have anger management down and its not like GP1 will matter in 1 month and 3 days anyway. 

Stupid RPS.

For the most part I do not believe in regrets. I believe everything happens for a reason and you can find a positive in everything. It makes you a bigger, better and stronger person. But I regret the day I decided to take out my inner frustrations on my body with a blade. The result is that I struggle with the desire most days and even worse on days when I am feeling the most insecure and vulnerable.

I hate feeling insecure. If my childhood could be different, I would want more than anything to have come out of it less insecure about my relationships with others and my own self-worth. I know for the most part I'm "a catch." I'm a great friend, when i am in a relationship with someone I love with everything I have and want nothing more for them to be happy. I take pleasure in surprising people just to see them smile. I'm pretty smart. I'm ok looking. I've gone to school.

 But self doubt creeps in. I lose sleep, work suffers, I second guess everything about every relationship I have and need constant reassurance. The only way I know how to deal is to cut, and I am so determined not to. The last time I did was in September, you'd think I would be over it no?

I would do anything for a job interview. I've sent alot of applications out and I feel so insecure and it is making me feel so insecure about EVERYTHING. What if I don't get a job and am stuck near my parents working some minimum wage job? WHat if I really am meant to follow in my family's footsteps!!

I found a new artist "Allison's invention." Her song "Ran" is spurring me from the downward spiral of self destruction that I am very close to the brink of. Here are the lyrics, I like them alot.

Ran

"Hey Little Girl 

where do you think you're going

you've been trying to prove yourself

a long long time. 

Who are you now

with all those demons lurking

getting this far 

has been a long long climb

She ran to the corner

just to prove that she wasn't afraid

she crossed the street without looking

over the bridge that led to downtown

Took a breath of the city air

and she had herself a look around

and sometimes she started one way

and sometimes she started for another

But the thing she'd never understand

was why she was always running from mother

Hey little girl

I know those ghosts that ride you

they're bound to catch you baby

in the end

In all your dreams 

you suddenly grow wings

And at the last moment

you start to ascend

Questions remain that you may never answer

untold secrets taken to her grave

who do you fear most

is it her or you

twenty years later

you're still trying to be brave

I basically stopped blogging because J pointed out to me just how much I use it to communicate to him, and in many ways that is true. But not always. I don't always want him to know what's on my blog, there are times when I just need someone to listen to me and my blog seems like a great place. This is one of those posts, or that is how its starting.

When I was growing up I was taught to limit all emotions and I have spent four years having them. The problem is that at times they are so strong I don't know what to do with them. This could be common, not really sure, it is new for me. Current emotions running through  my body? Stress, anger, hurt, sadness, but also hope.

Stress because it was tech week for our production. I also didn't do any homework and have been half assing papers all week. (like really badly, there goes my A, procrastination)

Anger because someone leaked our script on a tumblr post taking the skit out of context. the truth of the matter is the skit, out of context, is offensive. With context it is clearly satirical, meant to shock to bring about greater issues. This person dragged our club's name threw the mud, then dragged the director and my name through the mud. Then add in a person who claims to be one of my best friends talking with the orginal person about us. Not to us. I made a mistake. Yes I used pronouns wrong, but as much as I try to be a trans ally, "they and them" for a singular person is really hard, especially when you rarely need to. But I said I was sorry, and it isn't like it was their pronouns I messed up. Now it is their turn. We can't change the script. it isn't racist, or cissexist, or transphobic. I've worked my ass off for this show, and kept my mouth shut. I've gotten no thank yous from the director and shit on form other people.

This is where the hurt comes in, the so called best friend, the director who is supposedly my other best friend. The sadness and hurt and hope intersect as well. I am  beyond hopeful J makes his way to the show tomorrow and stays over. But my friends remind me it isn't going to happen so they have less pieces to pick up tomorrow. I'm going to be sad. I try to understand why he can't come, but why "i'm visiting a friend" wouldn't work, I don't get. To be honest, I'm really hurt he won't be at graduation. I try to understand but I am 22. I believe we can change our fate and the world. I believe we should love who we love. I believe there is great truth to the saying "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" And the important people in our live, wouldn't mind. I do try to understand where he is coming from, I am his biggest advocate with my friends. But sometimes, somethings, I don't get. I think realizing he wont be there tomorrow, mixes with the days of stress and anger, and hurt from other people and causes me to realize just how much him not being at graduation is going to hurt me come that day. And yet I am hopeful. All day tomorrow I will hope that by 7 oclock when lights go down and our show starts that he'll be there. It is just how I am wired. (I feel I shouldn't include this in this post. I didn't write it to hurt him, or for him. I wrote it because I have so much crap I'm trying to deal with I just need to get it out.)

One skit in the show involves myself getting hit once with a flogger. For the first time the girl hit my back, a huge no. It takes alot to be touched on my back. In that one instance I was dragged through old memories. I've been feeling shakey since. Letting others continue to touch me in the show and else where is hard. I didn't think to tell her no, that's my fault. I mean I freak when J hits to high on my bum.

Maybe he and I should work on that and belts. This one is for him hehehe :-p

I need to get some sleep. here is to hoping all works out with the shows, and I am granted patience to not launch into verbal fisitcuffs with the mentioned individuals while in class. Also here's to remembering gg panties tomorrow so they stay up while changing back stage :)

Photography

I love photography. I am fascinated by photos, and lately its been the artistic photos on fetlife. I have a friend who specializes in some form of photography I thought started with a "b" but burlesque is stuck in my head, but I do not think that is correct. I know it is sexual and sensual classy photos involving different states of dress...and undress. And I love his photos. He's been begging me to model for him both for samples for his business, as practice, and apparently he thinks my eyes and smile are something that should be capture. gross I know.

And I have been putting alot of thought into it though I have currently said no. And his response was "don't say no, say you will think about it." So think about it i have. I am not even confident enough to let my man take photos without whining, and definitely not playing along or posing. When he says smile it barely happens, but man I wish I was more ok with it, but lately its been sounding wicked hot in my head.

I could be alot of fun to take photos for either of them. I am still thinking about it anway.


My school offers free HIV testing, and myself and my group of friends decided to get tested. We got our results to day, and one of my friends was positive. Which is rough but what is worse is she has had 2 sexual partners. Both claimed to be virgins, though she always thought the first was cheating on her. A professor at our school passed away today which was also terribly said. I got clearance to graduate, not so sad. And I am still PMSing and have been riding a rollercoaster of my emotions all day.

I am one midterm, 2 classes, 1 interview and 2 important meetings away from spring break. I am very excited!

I have been so unbelievably cranky these last few days. I just have two more days and I am on spring break. And hopefully I will be less stressed/busy and  I will no longer want to get into a fisticuffs with anyone who talks to me.

My professor suggested I leave class today after arguing with him for the third time, one of which I asked him if he even read the article we understood or if he just didn't understand it and the another involved me asking if he thought it was opposite. He got over it all, it seems as during a recognition dinner, he called me one of his best students.

I had issues finding something to wear to said dinner. Nothing looked good and I was set on not going. When I said this to J, his response was that I was going. I answered with "maybe" because my first response was go to hell, you don't have control over me. It's not like he was really doing anything that toppy or bad I am just so cranky.

I was sitting here think "seeing J in like two days, yay!!!" then two seconds later I am all "He's not spanking me, I am not crying, I am not being spanked" I know I need to snap out of this mood by Friday because he is not against spanking the crankiness out of me, and definitely not against spanking me for disobedience, and despite being logical enough to know this, I am still cranky as hell.

The above was just two examples, but there are SOOOOOO many more isn't almost shameful.

I will write about my adventures at J's this weekend! Happy Women's history month!

We'll See

We'll see. I hate that phrase. We'll see. And because I hate it, J uses it all the time. I hate it the first time he said it to me 4 years ago, and I hated it when he used it just last night. Now I know it sounds like a completely harmless phrase. But it's not. It is an evil phrase used by a Dom, to confuse a subbie into butterflies so she has no idea what she is in for, and is a bit nervous as a result.

Assuming nothing has changed, I am seeing J in about 10 days!!! And lately either I've been really naughty or he's feeling evilly Dom-like because I have been getting alot of we'll sees. Like last night when I did my laundry didn't feel like separating it and through the white in with what i forgot was a new burgeony t-shirt, and now I have pink splotched panties. Or the night before when Bengay  was mentioned and it made me think of my experiments Sophomore year with Icy Hot, and sheer curiosity  Now he's all "We'll see" about using it. (It hurt! And he said restraints, aka no rubbing, and its lotiony I won't even let him put good lotion on me after my bum's thrashed because of my dislike of being touched. Now he wants to put stuff that hurts?)

He also said there was going to be "plenty of loopy stripes for procrastination." After trying to whine my way out of it, he "we'll see" 'd me. I would be less whiney if I knew it would work. I am a second semester senior who is well aware that after next weekend I prolly won't see J until another 6 months, when I will be out of school making a follow-up pointless unless its for like being disobeident or something.

And my "grades in good girl" seem to have been a mistake on my part, considering again, I was we'll see'd about getting punished for that.

Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be spanked. I need the release that comes with it, and I feel close to J afterward. It breaks my stubborness to an extent and with a combination of a spankings ability to make one feel vulnerable, it makes me be able to be cuddly. I have this mental block that says "I should be tough, no hugs or cuddly. Tough!" but he's my boyfriend. THere should be lots of cuddling. I also want sensual spankings, and just because spankings. I know in like three-ish days we have to make up for the last 6 months of not seeing each other and the next 6 months we probably will not see each other, but I am doubting my bum can take all his we'll sees.

At least its spring break so comfy couches all week as opposed to hard wooden desk chairs. There will be no grades in good girl the next two weeks, not setting myself up anymore than I already am, thank you. :)

Next week is going to be so busy with 4 midterms, 3 papers, 2 rehersals, 2 workshops, 9 hours of work, 1 interview, 1 award dinner, 2 events, 3 birthdays and my usual classes, maybe I will actually sleep at J's house!